Calm Breath

A happy boy with a full Easter basket!

One thing that I'm very aware of now as a mom are the ways the my professional life intersects with my parenting life. Working in schools as a psychologist definitely causes me to approach working with my own kids in a certain way - for good ... and for bad at times. I (very) frequently have to tell myself to stop over-analyzing each and every interaction I have as a mother, and just go with my gut. I have to reset my overly high expectations on occasion (i.e. all the time) - mostly my expectations of myself - and just allow myself to enjoy the ups and downs of the journey. On the good side, though, I think having the background I do does help me to approach parenting in a proactive, rather than entirely reactive, way, and I often appreciate  having access to a toolkit of ideas when I'm trying to figure out how to deal with a situation.

Recently, my "psychologist" side has come out as we've been trying to deal with James' increasing tendency to whine and get upset when he's not getting what he wants or when he's frustrated by something. It gets pretty annoying, pretty quickly, and my annoyance has led me to a number of not-so-effective interactions that usually only lead him to more and louder whining and crying in an effort to get my attention or give in. We've tried to consistently encourage him to "use your words" and to use "nice words" to some effect, but we've also recently hit on a new strategy that makes the psychologist in me burst with pride. :)

For a while, I've modeled using deep breaths to help calm down at the end of the day as we're getting ready for bed. He has sometimes joined in, but mostly I've figured that I'm just giving myself a moment to calm down and relax during that moment, rather than really teaching something that is useful to him at only two years old. But, I recently realized that he has been paying attention (a lesson I think I'll continue to learn!) when, in the midst of one whining cycle, I told James to tell me using "calm words" what he needed. Using the word "calm" seemed to hit a reminder in him, and I heard him stop and take a long, deep breath, then tell me a bit more effectively what he wanted. I was impressed with the effect his calm breath seemed to have, and so when the next whining moment came up, I prompted more explicitly this time to take a "calm breath" and then tell me what was wrong. Again, he stopped, took a slow breath, and then was able to tell me in a much more pleasant voice what the problem was. As we've continued to prompt (and praise) his calm breaths, we've noticed that he is able to consistently follow the prompt, that he's actually begun doing them on his own at times, and that sometimes when he takes the calm breath the problem either resolves itself or he's able to find his own solution without us actually intervening.

Although I'm sure this isn't something that will work for every two-year-old upset, I've been pleasantly surprised by how well James has taken to his "calm breaths" - and, I have to admit, just a little bit proud of how cute he is when he does them! :)

(I also can't help but laugh at myself a little each time I see it, because I can feel the stereotypes beginning to play out of my poor son with the psychologist as a mother!)