Growing up, one of my biggest
memories of Mothers’ Day was the fact that my mom actually hated the holiday. She really, really did not like Mothers’ Day, and I
remember very often being so confused as a child how she could possibly dislike
a day that was meant to celebrate her – I mean, the one special day I had was
my birthday, and that was great! How could she dislike having a whole extra day
to enjoy everyone’s attention, praise, and even gifts?
As I got older and heard her talk
more about her feelings, I started to understand a bit better. She would
comment that Mothers’ Day often left her feeling so inadequate – that it was a
day that she was confronted head-on with all the things she thought, or heard
others talk about, how a mother should be, and that she felt she wasn’t meeting
up to. Even though hearing that I kind of understood, I still did not really
get it. To me, she was an amazing mother, and I thought that she did meet up to
all the expectations of what a mother should be. However, as I’ve gotten older,
and have come to realize that as women we seem to have an instinct for inadequacy - as if we are innately programmed to believe that we are
never doing enough, that we are never meeting the standard, or that we are
never as good as the “woman next door, ” the Relief Society president, or the
mom in the pew in front of us - I’ve really started to understand my mom’s
feelings about Mothers’ Day.
It is a day of mixed feelings. Mixed with the intended joy and
gratitude, there may also be feelings of inadequacy because of losing patience
with active toddlers, or a working mom’s feelings of guilt because she isn’t home
with her kids. Sometimes, it’s painful feelings stemming from lost opportunities
– whether through tragedy or simply the passage of time – to be a mom, or because
of never having had the opportunity to be a mom in the first place. But, over
the years, as I’ve reflected on my own mother’s experience with Mothers’ Day,
and in my hope to avoid feeling a similar level of mixed emotions on this
annual day of celebration, I’ve decided there may be a better way to define
“Mothers’ Day.”
I began to reflect, recently, on
how different the connotations of the verb forms of “mother” and “father” are.
It struck me that “to father” connotes something very short-term and somewhat
impersonal – as in “to father a child.”
Whereas, “to mother” – with a few exceptions, such as when my husband
pleads with me not to “mother” him – has such a deeper meaning of compassion,
nurturing, and long-term love. Now I’m not saying that I agree with this
cultural distinction of the apparent roles of mothers and fathers, but the
difference is striking to me nonetheless, and I think that it can positively
affect the way we think about and celebrate Mothers’ Day.
For most, saying “Happy Mothers’
Day!” probably typically means something along the lines of – “We’re happy
you’re a Mom day!” In that meaning, we’re focusing on the noun form of
“mother.” But if we were to think of “Happy Mothers’ Day,” instead focusing on
the verb form of “mother,” it seems that we would be saying something more
like, “Let’s take a moment to celebrate all the caring, compassionate,
nurturing things that you, or I, or anyone has done for God’s children
recently.” Taken this way, we are not only celebrating so many acts that
mothers do, in fact, perform on a daily basis, but we are also celebrating the
many ways in which so many around us bless our lives in similar ways. We’re
celebrating the care and concern of a compassionate visiting teacher for the
sisters she visits, we’re celebrating the teacher who nurtures a child’s hurt
feelings, and we’re celebrating the deep love and support that friends share
through good times and bad times. When
we celebrate Mothers’ Day in this way we are celebrating women – or even men –
everywhere, who take time out of their lives, their schedules, and their priority
list to put another’s needs first and try to make someone feel a little better
about the figurative “skinned knee” that they might have gotten that day.
I definitely plan on calling my mom
today and telling her how much I continue to appreciate all that she has done
for me in the past, present, and future. But I also hope to take some time to
appreciate the many people in my life
who “mother” me, as well as to recommit myself to “mothering” – not only my own
children, but anyone else who crosses my path who could use a kind word, a
smile, or a tender hand to let them know that they are loved and cared for.
I believe that we are given
mothers, and the opportunity “to mother,” in order that we can learn more about
how to become perfect. Being a mother does not make me perfect, but as I learn
“to mother” – giving up selfishness, letting go of pride, and consistently
putting the needs of others before my own – I will become perfect. I believe
that Jesus Christ is, in many ways, our perfect example of mothering. “As a hen
gathereth her chickens under her wings,” He waits with open arms to “mother” us
in our times of need, as well as to teach us how “to mother” in such a way that
we can achieve the perfection, exaltation, and eternal joy that our Heavenly
Father desires for us. My prayer on this Mothers' Day is that we may, as daughters of God, both receive and offer that perfect, perfecting
mothers’ love.
